2010年商务英语考试名师点评网友作文(1)

会计考友

　　本期作文题目：
) c+ g, E+ ?. h- D' K6 j6 T0 g- D　　You are the office manager at an insurance company. You have arranged for contractors to upgrade your computer system. This means the system will be shut down for a full day.
/ I  s' q: S/ o. K' S3 f　　Write a memo of 40-50 words:
, [- N5 b" j: y' h3 A, }8 M　　informing staff of the shutdown
4 \& D/ U+ f$ ]1 E+ Y　　telling them when it will happen
　　asking them to prepare alternative work for the day.
　　老师提示：
　　商务写作中遵循的原则是：简洁，精确，礼貌。在考试中或者工作中，格式基本已经给出，所以只需要我们写正文即可。正文中我们写作要做到选词精当，一针见血，语法正确，不出低级错误的句子。备忘录属于半正式的文体写作，所以在句子选择上可以适当放宽，不必太正式。
　　网友作文一：
　　MEMORANDUM
　　from : Tom TO : all staff
) H1 i, y1 z" ^8 b5 m　　date : 25/8
- L/ G. g" m/ D. P　　Because our computor system will be upgraded by the contractors on 28 AUGUEST, so the system will be shut down for a full day on that day[1], i ask for you prepare alternative work for the[2] day. and the work don't use computer system .
( s7 Z3 T( x; G* u- Y, c, d　　i think you can give a good performance to me to pass the accident. [3]
  `$ l! z& D' v　　TOM
　　1.Business writing 中尽量少使用because....so... 这样的结构，看起来不够专业，改为：As we plan to upgrade.....
　　2.有中式英文的痕迹：我要求你们。。。。改为：please prepare alternative work if you have to use the computer.
9 b/ i+ l; L1 H6 y, ]# K2 c　　3.这不能算作accident, 既然已经计划好了。整句去掉。换成thank you.
　　网友作文二：
　　From: office manager
/ L3 G, H- s: Y; O! F5 g　　To: all staff
　　Subject: the company system
+ t3 p0 S1 Z! w" h9 E4 ^+ t& R　　I would like to notify you that [1]the computer system of our company's will be shut down on this Tuesday for a whole day long [2]on account of the system needs a upgrade.[3]Therefore, please taking notice of this event in advance, in case of some potential inconveniences and troubles on Tuesday, yet prepare alternative work for that day. [4]
1 W: r9 o# M$ s7 }　　Thank you.[5]
　　[1]去掉这个开头，直接用被动语态开头。
/ t* q8 H( K, N) r　　[2]去掉，多余了。
& k& }! ?8 m+ }9 l4 V# f　　[3]如果你不能保证用长复句可以表达清楚，那么建议换成短句吧。拆成几个短句也许表达更贴切呢。
( A+ J8 _$ U1 w% t" R" G+ B　　[4]这句话看起来非常不清楚，主语在哪里?please 的后面是吗?改成：please make sure that you have prepared alternative work.
　　[5]另换一行
　　网友作文三：
6 i5 j6 q1 k: ~+ C3 d) v　　Dear all:
4 _' j- j1 V( _8 e* ]　　The file system will shtudown [1]due to system maintainance next Friday.
' z- U9 L. B6 m1 s　　It will take a full day to finish this job.[2]
( n2 R& Y1 x4 f& q　　Please do not acccess the [3]file server that day and backup your files one it[4].
　　[1]够干练了，语法错误多。 Be shut down
　　[2]去掉
, u& [* |0 j7 @! Z7 {　　[3]Access to
　　[4]On it ?
7 J! V  T9 U. I) L　　网友作文四：
　　From: office Manager
　　To: all staff
; h5 b: a4 K/ N* s" j0 c& v　　Subject: upgarde of computer system
+ p' r# N0 _+ f　　As our computer system need to be upgraded, we have arranged the contarctors to upgrade the them [1]on Wedesday. On that day all computers should be shutted down for a full day, so you need arrange some alternative work for that day.
7 I" z  h: M1 N, H　　[1]第一: 不要重复使用前面已经用过的词;第二：指代错误，前面说的system 是单数，怎么到这里变成了them? 合成一句：as we have arranged the contractor to upgrade our computer system.