名师点评网友BEC初级作文(1)

会计考友

　　本期作文题目：
　　You are the office manager at an insurance company. You have arranged for contractors to upgrade your computer system. This means the system will be shut down for a full day.
　　Write a memo of 40-50 words:
  N+ |" w' @3 Y$ O3 c　　informing staff of the shutdown
0 d+ ^, Z- a) Q% h( U　　 telling them when it will happen
　　asking them to prepare alternative work for the day.
# g5 w9 [! }5 E* U- [' v　　老师提示：
! b6 `! N- {  ^7 l( S2 L0 N　　商务写作中遵循的原则是：简洁，精确，礼貌。在考试中或者工作中，格式基本已经给出，所以只需要我们写正文即可。正文中我们写作要做到选词精当，一针见血，语法正确，不出低级错误的句子。备忘录属于半正式的文体写作，所以在句子选择上可以适当放宽，不必太正式。
　　网友作文一：
1 I" w0 K. T) L$ I5 v' g! |' P# M　　MEMORANDUM
　　from : Tom TO : all staff
　　date : 25/8
) p7 E* ?' S' e# V: u  h: h　　Because our computor system will be upgraded by the contractors on 28 AUGUEST, so the system will be shut down for a full day on that day[1], i ask for you prepare alternative work for the[2] day. and the work don't use computer system .
8 f& J' c- S" e/ I  E+ P  Q　　I think you can give a good performance to me to pass the accident. [3]
　　TOM
　　名师修改意见：　
0 ?$ U! j9 W# l/ d- V! w' f　　[1]Business writing 中尽量少使用because....so... 这样的结构，看起来不够专业，改为：As we plan to upgrade.....
　　[2]有中式英文的痕迹：我要求你们。。。。改为：please prepare alternative work if you have to use the computer.
　　[3]这不能算作accident, 既然已经计划好了。整句去掉。换成thank you.

1 N. a: n8 s# ^. [* ^　　网友作文二：
1 U* A- p9 n8 K# [+ A6 f% j5 |　　From: office manager
　　To: all staff
0 V0 D. j+ i& V# q1 m　　Subject: the company system
　　I would like to notify you that [1]the computer system of our company's will be shut down on this Tuesday for a whole day long [2]on account of the system needs a upgrade.[3]Therefore, please taking notice of this event in advance, in case of some potential inconveniences and troubles on Tuesday, yet prepare alternative work for that day. [4]
5 G' M9 g( t; y1 x4 a　　Thank you.[5]
　　名师修改意见：　　
　　[1]去掉这个开头，直接用被动语态开头。
9 Q/ V+ ^" H6 A7 s" L) s/ m' @　　[2]去掉，多余了。
　　[3]如果你不能保证用长复句可以表达清楚，那么建议换成短句吧。拆成几个短句也许表达更贴切呢。
　　[4]这句话看起来非常不清楚，主语在哪里?please 的后面是吗?改成：please make sure that you have prepared alternative work.
- y$ ]( g! [" Z' B　　[5]另换一行
8 O- M5 z. B, F9 S1 W5 d　　
　　网友作文三：
4 M& S" @) P5 w3 `: `8 Q7 x' g　　Dear all:
　　The file system will shtudown [1]due to system maintainance next Friday.
　　It will take a full day to finish this job.[2]
　　Please do not acccess the [3]file server that day and backup your files one it[4].
　　名师修改意见：　　
　　[1]够干练了，语法错误多。 Be shut down
　　[2]去掉
　　[3]Access to
! \0 |. _) S; f: J, ?　　[4]On it?
　　
5 p9 P: w% U( G　　网友作文四：
　　From: office Manager
; Z; N) }5 S( ]　　To: all staff
" J4 B1 y4 R) v　　Subject: upgarde of computer system
0 K. D* P/ E- x$ X% r8 s, C2 \' X　　As our computer system need to be upgraded, we have arranged the contarctors to upgrade the them [1]on Wedesday. On that day all computers should be shutted down for a full day, so you need arrange some alternative work for that day.
　　名师修改意见：　　
5 i1 d* p+ ]5 U) M1 u　　[1]第一: 不要重复使用前面已经用过的词;第二：指代错误，前面说的system 是单数，怎么到这里变成了them? 合成一句：as we have arranged the contractor to upgrade our computer system.